Laura Devonshire

I first wrote this post on adopting a positive parenting mindset over three and a half years ago, just after my first child was born. All these years on and it still holds true, especially following the birth of my twins earlier this year.

I could write a whole blog post on the tactless things people have said to me during and after my second pregnancy, but perhaps that’s for another day!

Positive Parenting Case Study 1 – The Day-tripper

When my eldest daughter was about two weeks old, my husband and I were sitting in a café on one of our first trips into town as a unit of three and a day tripper got talking to us.

After initially asking us about one of our neighbouring islands she started asking questions about our newborn.

‘Is she good?’

This is a standard question asked to parents of a new baby.

It is something that now makes me think of our antenatal teacher who questioned what a ‘good’ baby actually meant.

Who are we to judge what constitutes a ‘good’ baby? A baby that cries due to colic isn’t doing it to wind its parents up. But does that make it a ‘bad’ baby? Anyway, I digress.

‘Yes, she’s pretty laid back and easy going,’ we answered. ‘We’ve been pretty lucky really, she only cries when she has good reason to.’

‘My daughter was like that too…’ replied the day tripper. ‘until she grew up and became a teenager – then she made my life hell… Enjoy it while it lasts!’

Nathan and I tried not to look too disturbed, whilst imagining our perfect little baby girl turning into a demonic teenager.

Discussing it afterwards, we decided that there was no way our beautiful daughter would become like that.

After all, at the time I had two teenage nephews and one niece and they were all becoming amazing young adults. As well as one nephew who had already come out the other side and was currently finishing university. They were and still are all extremely good company, with no devil’s horns in sight.

It saddened me to think that this woman had obviously had such a difficult relationship with her daughter.

Although she said they now had a better relationship, it appeared she still harboured a substantial amount of bitterness towards the teenage years that had torn them apart. All her daughter’s fault I’m sure (disclaimer: no I don’t actually believe it was all her daughter’s fault).

Positive Parenting Case Study 2 – The Neighbour

A few weeks later I ran into a neighbour, who I hadn’t seen since having Baby A. She congratulated me. I told her it was a big transition going from being at work to looking after a baby full time.

To which she answered:

‘Yes, it’s so boring, I hated it, that’s why I stuck to only having one child. And besides, I was far too busy to stay at home with a baby.’

I smiled politely and made a mental note never to ask her to babysit.

These two experiences got me thinking – why is it that people always feel the need to share their negative feelings on parenting with others?

A Very British Mindset

It is not dissimilar from people telling you their traumatic birth experiences whilst you are pregnant with your first child. Sometimes it is just unnecessary.

It is a very British thing to be negative, often in a whimsical, self-deprecating way so that people don’t think you’re a complete misery. Others would argue that it is simply being a realist, not sugar coating life to cause unrealistic expectations.

Our friends across the pond in America are often criticised for being too enthusiastic and too positive.

It seems no one wants to hear how amazing anyone’s life is, because that just makes those whose lives are going a little less well feel bitter.

Achieving Goals Should Be Celebrated – Not Torn Apart By Jealousy

I decided a long time ago that there was no point in being a person who only focusses on the negative.

How cynical we are that we relish when things go wrong in people’s lives because it makes us feel better about our own personal failures.

No. I want to hear how amazing my friends’ lives are.

To see them achieve their goals and dreams, because it inspires me to follow my own dreams and be a positive influence on the people around me.

I now see being envious of others as a good thing, as it spurs me on to do better, to be better.

It also shows me that if they can work hard and achieve personal growth and prosperity, then there is no reason why I can’t either.

Positive envy if you like. Rather than bitter jealousy which comes from a place of negativity and downtrodden-ness (yes I know it’s not a word!).

Since becoming a mother three years ago I have become even more aware of the words I use and the way I treat myself and others.

I want my babies to grow up to be positive people. They should rightly believe that they can achieve anything they set their mind to – with no limit to what that might be.

Some might say this type of positive mindset delusional or unrealistic – I say nothing is impossible if you believe it and work hard for it.

I don’t want them to think having them made us sacrifice certain parts of our lives. If anything it makes us more ambitious and more determined that we will give them the amazing childhood they deserve.

I want to raise confident children who grow up knowing that we will protect them and make them feel loved whatever happens.

I call it ‘Positive Parenting’ and it is the type of parent I strive to be.

What is positive parenting?

I don’t want my children to hear ‘you can’t do this, you can’t do that…’

Or hear me or their father voice our negative feelings about ourselves such as ‘These jeans make me look fat’ or ‘We can’t afford to do this’.

I don’t want to reinforce negative emotions that I might have and pass them on to my children in some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy.

Admittedly it is hard to keep this positive parenting mindset all the time.

It is hard to stay consistently positive. Especially at the end of a long day when tiredness overtakes your emotions.

When I do catch myself saying negative things in front of the children, I try to reframe the way I have said it if something has come out too negatively.

And to everyone who told us that ‘your life is over when you have kids’. Or ‘you won’t ever have time to do that once the baby is here’. And ‘you’ll never spend money on yourself once you have a child!’ I say – if it’s so bad, how come you decided to have two, three or more children?

Why didn’t you just stick with one like my neighbour? At least she was honest about how she felt, although I suspect it wasn’t as boring as she claims it was.

Try to remember why you decided to have children in the first place

Whereas everyone else – well there must have been a very good reason for you to continue on your parenting journey by adding to your family.

Maybe it’s because although the life you knew before is over, it has been replaced by a much more amazing and rewarding life. Maybe it’s because having children has enriched your life more than you ever imagined it would.

On the flip side, maybe it hasn’t done that for you and you genuinely suffer with this new way of living.

Perhaps it hasn’t given you what you hoped it would. Perhaps it makes you unable to adopt a positive parenting mindset, however hard you try.

Every experience is different, every person observes life from a different viewpoint.

But the next time you get chatting to a young family with a newborn, maybe think about sharing your own joyful parenting experiences with them, instead of trying to dampen theirs with your own bad experiences.

Remember, this is a whole new world for them and they may be loving every minute, or scared stiff that they might somehow ‘fail’.

You also don’t know how their mental health is coping with this new baby in their lives.

They may look confident and happy, but be paralysed with fear on the inside.

Take a minute to think about what kind of impact your words may make on them. Think about how you would feel if someone said the same to you.

What are some of the things that you wish you had never been told as a new parent?

Yours positively,
L xo